Having been in the swinging lifestyle since I was 20 I have always been amazed at the lack of well-defined terms in the lifestyle and related lifestyles.

In this world of swinging, kink, bdsm, etc (insert your own word) there is no ultimate consensus regarding the terms that are used. My girlfriend and I at the time had that explicit discussion because we both understood there was no consensus and we had to discuss it for us and as such we did just that for mutual agreement.

In a related way throughout my experience of meeting up with women in this lifestyle on more than one occasion they have dictated to me what a “term” means. In these meetups these definitions of terms have been similar yet varied in key components sometimes even completely in contradiction. For example, as a brief list I am simply putting out there these issues to resolve since they are used differently.

Dating: This is used in the casual sense, of being to see others/”date” meanwhile not hurting the person’s feelings. Also, clearly this means all the way up to potential monogamy, engaged status or married.

Bi-Sexual: Does this mean you merely interact physically sexually with both sexes? Or does it mean that you emotionally/romantically date both sexes, as well as interact sexually?

Open Relationship: Does this mean you will date more than one person, or merely have sex with other people than your “primary” emotionally committed partner?

Swinger: Do you merely have sex with others yet no emotional attachment? Or do you go on actual emotional/romantic dates with other besides your “primary” partner, yet stay committed?

Polyamory: This one seems fairly consistent, yet do you have a “primary”, “secondary”, “tertiary” set of partners or are they all equal?

Heteroflexible: Totally confused on this one.

Switch: I have heard this as being defined as one being both “dominant” and or “submissive” depending on the situation.

Queer: I have heard this defined in multiple ways.

As you can see all of the above terms have clearly overlapping qualities. Keep in mind I am not proposing exact definitions for any of the above examples. I am pointing out how I have seen them used differently over the years. The concept for me is we need intellectually/academically and functional consistent definitions. I am simply pointing out that if you hear these terms please don’t make assumptions, they are not so straightforward.

My position is that any couple who wants to use these terms if I were doing therapy with them, is they have to have serious sit-down discussions while not sexually active. They need to define it for themselves as a couple. Then of equal importance if they are to engage with others, they need to make sure they are not misleading the new or other partner.