I have noticed throughout my years of life and my training in psychology that many times giving people examples can fall on its face. People will discount and come up with justifications, excuses, and explanations for the examples given thinking they are so smart for doing so.

To illustrate this clearly consider the following case of someone being impatient. We all know someone in our lives that is an impatient person. Now, importantly for the rest of the discussion is think of the overarching concept of someone being an impatient person. Suppose for illustration we are at dinner. Here are two examples I could complain to you about Jack. 1. Jack gets out of line at the store and decides to come back later. 2. Jack makes a right hand turn and get in a little car accident. I can already guess any person (you now the reader) reading these two examples are flooded with “potential” explanations for Jack. For number 1 you could say he has to pick up his kid, he will be late for work, wants to catch a movie. Whatever! For number 2 you could say he’s on the way to the hospital, he’s feeling rushed by the person honking behind him. Again, any other explanation, excuse, justification for Jack’s behavior.

I just told you before giving 2 examples that he is an impatient person. Then I gave examples. You can easily shoot down my examples. The common denominator (mathematically speaking) is as I told you before the examples is he is impatient. This is problem with giving examples, people are great at coming up with alternative explanations, excuses, justifications, etc. I could give you 5 more examples of Jack’s impatient behavior. Each and every time your mind goes to explain away the impatient behavior. Yet the common denominator for each is that he is impatient.

Ultimately what can happen is that the complaint you made about Jack being impatient in the recipient’s mind can be explained away when you give an example. Then worse they can make some negative judgement about you and your thinking style. Such as you are too quick to judge or being illogical and so on.

The point of an example is just to paint a picture of how the person routinely responds or behaves in many many situations that you have known them to do over the years.

The solution I have found, and this is my personal take on it yet rooted in psychology and reasoning I have studied. Instead of giving examples, talk first about the overarching/abstract concept. So here Jack is impatient. As in my above example of Jack, talk generally about his being impatient his whole life. Then people have a more difficult time disputing it. This last sentence is key. They have more trouble disputing an overarching abstract conceptualization of a person than some “simple” example. If you start with examples they can shoot them down one by one. Thus feeling so clever and that they have corrected you or something to that effect. They can do this either to your face or in their mind. Start with the general conversation, in this case Jack being impatient. Then if the person you are talking to asks what do you mean? Then yes examples are appropriate.

In the end speak in terms about the concept, overarching concern instead of using examples at the beginning. The next problem can then arise which is and this is for a separate post is how people will justify the person’s situation, in this case impatient behavior with some form of upbringing or event in their lives.